Every time it is published here in Babies and more or in other powerful media any news or recommendation related to physical abuse or "cheek or spanking on time" generates a debate, often intense, between parents who have decided to educate their children without using these methods and those who defend that it is not so much and that nothing happens either.
The reality is that there are numerous studies that show no, that in reality It is not a good educational method. The problem is that in many cases, parents don't know how to do it differently, and between justifying what their parents did (not everyone is willing to say their parents could have done better) and running out of ideas (many people he complains if he can't hit his children, because he thinks he doesn't have how to educate them then), the cheek is still happening in many families.
However, it is our duty to try to do better than our parents did and educate our children so that in the future they will not hit their children.
To show you why, I created a dialogue that can perfectly occur between two people who talk about the subject, with different opinions:
- How is the youth of today, my mother ... with such nonsense that they cannot be beaten or punished, and they are getting on our beards.
- But a lot of beards were also added to our beards, man, to see if it is going to turn out that adolescence is now being discovered.
- Yes, but no. Nothing to see Those of now have lost respect for everyone and everything. They think that the world has to revolve around them and they even insult and mistreat parents, and all that I tell you, they can't even beat them.
- But let's see, what are we talking about? Are today's children not the children we are supposed to be so good at? If they beat us and punished us and that was so good, why don't we do it with our children?
- Well, that's what I say, we should do it ... they hit me too and nothing happened to me. In fact, I even thank my parents, who have made me an educated and valued person.
- Well, how lucky have you been, because not everyone ended up the same. Do you think that the worst people in today's world were not beaten or punished by their parents? Look, they hit me too and yes, of course I have values and I consider myself an educated person, but I think it would have been too if they hadn't hit me and if they hadn't punished me.
- Man, you can't know that.
- Of course, neither can you know how you would be if they had not done so.
- Well, no, but at least by then we respected adults. They were different times. No child would think of insulting their parents or ignoring them.
- Well, it will be in your case. I did not respect them, I feared them. I was afraid of my father, afraid of teachers, afraid of every adult who raised his voice. So in my case, I can't be very grateful, because I grew up with fear.
- Come on man, what an exaggeration ...
- You can't deny me what I felt. I fear my father. Do you think it is logical for a child to grow up afraid of his father hitting him or shouting if he does something wrong? And no, he didn't hit me many times, they were very few, but I remember them all. As a result I was not able to take a step for fear of making a mistake, so I dedicated myself to expecting him to always tell me how to do something. I am summarizing, of course ... not everything was like that, but every time I had to make a complicated decision, I asked her, to tell me what was best for me.
- Well, but that happened to you, it doesn't happen to everyone.
- Luckily no, but it does happen to many children, who are unable to think what is best for themselves, because they simply wait for parents to tell them what to do. That is why we cannot return to the authoritarianism of that time ... we have to move forward.
- Well, if moving forward is what we do now, often nonsense and often failure.
- Well, yes, but it is our responsibility to try. It is already known that hitting children is negative because you run the risk of becoming fearful and unable to grow or move forward ...
- What do you mean by "you know"?
- Well, there are studies that prove it.
- Studies? Look, there are studies for everything. I do not belive anything. For every study that says one thing, there is another that says another. Also, come to my house those who do the studies and see my children ... What am I supposed to do, sit down and explain to them why they can't stick? Explain with love that you don't have to throw the dishes on the floor? Come on man!!
- No, they don't say you have to do that. You must always stop the negative action, and then it is when you make a difference. If you hit, you are not only committing a crime, but you are teaching him that physical violence is a good method to instruct and get things done; In addition, you will be showing him that his father, who should be his guide and role model, is capable of harming him and that that seems good and normal, that the father seems logical ... come on, so create distance in the relationship , when the ideal is the opposite, that you have a good relationship so that there is trust and communication.
- I mean, what do I have to be his little friend?
- I have not said that. You have to be his father. And being his father is not being a friend. Or it is not just being a friend.
- Look, do what you want. You can already report me if you want for the crime you say I commit, that I come to look for the police if you want, that I will explain to you that I am only trying to educate my children, to see what they tell me ... If they even hit the manifestations!
- No, of course I'm not going to report you. Are you comparing me to a policeman with your way of educating your children?
- No, don't put in my mouth what I didn't say. I'm telling you that I'm sure I'm not going to jail for slapping my children on time.
- Well, I guess not, for giving one no, but if one is followed by another, and the thing gets serious, sure. But this is a system failure, which continues to accept that we can "educate" our children by hitting them. Now no one would think to say that hitting the woman only once nothing happens.
- Of course something happens. Only a lunatic would hit his wife ...
- Well, of course it happens. But many years ago it was normal. If you thought your wife was doing something wrong, you hit her and voila. Now this is a crime and also immoral ... even if it was not a crime, neither you nor I would.
- But you can't compare, I don't have to educate my wife, but my son does.
- Before it was considered that the wife also had to educate her husband.
- Yes, but not now. And you have to always educate a child, both before decades ago, as now, and within a hundred years, because they are children. It is not comparable.
- No, in that sense no, but if we have managed to see that it is delightful to hit a woman and now it does not seem even normal, maybe we can get a child to look the same in a few years.
- And give it! And how am I supposed to educate them? Anyone will tell you the same thing, that a cheek in time solves many problems later.
- Anyone who is not educating their children well, or anyone who does not have children yet.
- You mean I am educating my children badly?
- No. I don't go against you. I am saying that children can be educated in a different way. We must start from the basis that children are not adults, and as such, they still do not understand the world as we understand it. In most cases, what they do they do not do to harm us or with bad intention. They are exploring, researching, testing, learning ... or do you think a child paints the wall to make you angry? He only sees a giant white wall and thinks that often more giant canvas has to unleash his imagination. It is the parents who have to explain that they cannot be painted on a wall, but on the paper.
- Well, yes, but many times they do it with all the intention of annoying, that mine do.
- Well, then it's worth assessing why they do it. Why does it look like they are challenging you? Why do they get angry when they tell you they want something and you don't buy it? Why do they give so much value to material things?
- Pussy, because they like them ... because they know they love them.
- Yes, but why do they want them so hard? Can't we have got used to it? What have we made them materialists? Because many children need things because in the absence of parents, their parents give them things ... that is, many parents cannot just spend time with their children, and to show them how much they love them, they buy them things. If until later, when the children get angry, the parents tell them: "Why do you get mad at me, if I always buy you things you like?"
- Well, but the world works a little like this ...
- Sure, but that doesn't mean it's okay. That is not being a father, that is having money. That way you don't earn the respect of your children, so you don't earn the sense of authority. In addition, it is not harmless behavior either; the children spend the day receiving inputs on TV of things they should want, then parents give them to them in your birthday, or when we feel like it because we want to get a quick smile and a hug perhaps undeserved, or they bring them I do not know what magical characters who do not know anything but buy things they want. We make them dependent on the material and then complain because they ask us for things when they don't touch. But they don't know when he plays or when he doesn't play. In fact, they often do not know or calculate the value of things. What do they know if we have a lot or little money? How will they know if it is worth a lot or a little? In reference to what? What is the money? For them, what they want is the most important thing in the world at that time ...
- And then what, do we buy everything?
- No. Then you explain why it can't be, and you try to divert attention to something else, just in case it sneaks. And if not, there is nothing left but to stand firm explaining the situation. Hitting him because he cries more and more brings nothing to the child, and less when we are partly guilty of his wishes.
- Well, if you hit him, stop crying.
- And what do you learn? Learn that you have no right to show your anger and frustration. That makes no sense ... as valid is joy as sorrow, happiness as disappointment. Since we do not know how to talk about negative feelings, we do not know how to express them, we do not dare to open up in that sense because we believe that others will think that we are weak, the minimum is to teach our children to understand when they feel it, and to express it. How many people have problems today because they are not able to say what they feel, and because when they feel bad, they do not dare ... that is how everyone goes, responding all "Good" to "How is everything going?", When they would be Eager to count their penalties for support. I support a hug from those that last a few seconds and nobody says anything. Fuck, the world would be another if we hugged more. But you know, like "Everyone has theirs, well, don't bother."
- Yes, but I repeat: that they misbehave, and sometimes if done, and it is not always because I do not buy something. That they stick to each other, that they hit me (well, they try, that I don't let them), that they make me stupid ...
- Well, evaluate why they do it.
- You mean it's my fault?
- No. Of course it's not always our fault. They are children! Children are chaotic, they are often unstable, as soon as they are happy as they are sad, they are hitting another child and after a while they are best friends ... they are very difficult to understand! But they are learning and growing, and they are not impassive to what is going on around them. If you feel that they are trying to harm you in some way you could evaluate how your relationship is. They do not have the tools to express their feelings, nor anger. That is why when they are young they stick with their siblings or with other children, because they do not know how to argue and go quickly.
- But then they are children's stuff ... it's normal.
- Yes, but even if they are children's things, you have to explain that this is not done. Of course, they don't know how to dialogue, but they don't know how to do it, it's not a reason to hit, so we must stop the action, tell them that it doesn't stick, because they hurt, and show them an alternative, which should be the dialogue: "Don't hit him Tell him what's wrong with you. "
- But I hit them, if they're hitting.
- And do you think it makes sense? Does it make sense to tell a child not to hit, to talk, and not to talk to him and hit him?
- Not much. But if I don't do it, I don't see it paying attention to me.
- Because children don't stop being in two minutes. You will explain it and after a while you will surely have forgotten it. And the next day I might hit another child again. Well, it is worthwhile to avoid parks or places where you find other children for a while ... or be by your side constantly watching, and continue explaining why you should not do so, avoiding action and leaving if necessary: "As always we come to the park you hit, we will not come anymore. When you think we can go without hurting another child, we will go. " Surely with 10 years you don't have to go to your son's side explaining why he doesn't have to hit.
- Let's see, and what is that about the relationship with me?
- Well, that, just as they don't know how to talk to children, they don't know how to tell you that they would like you to spend more time with them, for example. How long have you not played with them?
- Man, something I am doing ... but I am just at home, and when I am there is much to do ... they already play their things.
- True. So, more or less we all walk. But that doesn't mean they feel or believe they deserve more time with you. Perhaps all they want is to play more with you, to pay more attention to them.
- And that's why those who make me mess up?
- Can be. Why do adults get angry? Why do they stop talking? It is like a punishment for anger, for what one has done to the other. Well, children do something similar ... it's not that they want to punish you, it's that they don't know how to do it to make you understand that they need you a little more, or that they need you in another way.
- What do you mean?
- That sometimes it is not a matter of time, sometimes you are but what they want is that you are otherwise. I don't think it's your case, but there are parents who are but hardly educate. They are, but they are very permissive. They let them do what they want, they give them what they ask, they consent, they allow them too much. This when they are babies is very good, but when they grow a little and their needs are no longer basic things, when the first wishes appear, that desire to have I do not know what toy, or what that child has in his hands, or ... and they get it one way or another, a dangerous relationship begins to develop.
- Because they are not setting limits.
- That's. Because these parents flee from authoritarianism, from punishing or hitting them, as we should all run away, but they do not act as models, but instead place themselves as benefactors of the child. They teach him hardly anything, but only do what the child wants, as if the child knew what is best at all times. And of course, the child ends up "complaining", and does so by extreme functions. When the parents wake up in the morning and ask the child what they are going to do that day, and the child decides, and so with all or almost everything, the parents give up their role to the child, and he ends up playing the role of father and mother . And of course, a child does not know how to be a father or mother, it is not his function, so he submits them, he mistreats them, he tells them what they should do at all times.
- And that's where I say what a good cheek in time ...
- Sure, but that's not what the child needs. He is just trying to push them to the limit, press more and more to react, to reach that point where they say "hey, our lives are no longer ours, we have given them to our son", and they change something.
- Take the reins.
- That same, to be parents, to spend time with their child, to make decisions. Of course, children can decide many things, but not all! They are children, their main concern has to be to play. Play and learn Play and observe. See parents being consistent, logical and having responsible behavior. That they see them interacting with other people, talking with them as adults, and not as children. That is why parents have to spend time with their children, so that they see us "being." To soak up our way of life, and not that nonsense that children do not need to be with their parents more than a little while, if it is quality.
- Oops, but that is said a lot, that children have enough time with their parents.
- Yes, it says a lot, but no. To see which child it seems good to see his parents only a little while each day. We are the parents who transmit the values. And when we do it, and we do it well, with patience and dialogue, and avoiding conflicts, you don't have to hit them.
- I think I follow you ...
- No need to hit them! It is not necessary, and it is better to avoid it, because you do not want your children to behave well because, if they do something bad, you will hit them. What will happen when you are not to punish them? If you are not here to hit them? What you want, what we all want, is that they behave well because they want to be like that ... I want my children to be good people because they think they should be good people, not because they know that if they are not, I will punish them . I am not always with them ... and a day will come when I will no longer be there.
- In adolescence, for example.
- Exactly. In adolescence I will not be there, and they will have to do with their peer group looking for their identity and their place at a time of changes, maturation and conflicts. It is worthwhile to arrive with our trust, with a good relationship with us, and not even thinking that if they do, I do not know what we are going to punish them, and that if we catch them we will do them, I do not know how many. Because it is enough that they have that internalized so that they do it… it is enough that they think that something is prohibited so that they want to prove it or to do.
- And then what, better not to forbid?
- Neither prohibit nor do not. Educate ... everything is the same. If they want to do something in adolescence, they will do it, because you will not find out most of what they do, unless it is very fat. So it is worth educating, dialoguing, having confidence, a good relationship, so that they do not feel the desire to fly like rebels without cause at that time, because they are fed up with their parents and the whole world. This does not assure you anything, but it is worth trying to do well from home, right? Do it well for when they are teenagers and for when they are parents.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Seven powerful reasons why you should never hit a child, How to respond to those who suggest that hitting children to educate them is positive and necessary, Why hitting children is a bad business (for children)
