Getting angry if you have left the drawing and end up breaking the paper, throw the sheets because the bed is not staying as expected, are some behaviors that we can observe in excessively perfectionist children. Frustration, anxiety and self-esteem problems are some of the complications that perfectionism can bring. We tell you how to approach it from home to help your child manage it.
How is a perfectionist child?
These are some of the characteristics that these children usually present, however their isolated presence does not necessarily have to be indicative that something happens. If you have the slightest doubt about your child's well-being, consult a specialist. That said, we go with some features of perfectionist children:
One of the most marked features is that they tend to be Very demanding with themselves and set hard to reach standards. The frustration that causes them not to meet those limits results in tantrums, discomfort and even anxiety.
These children tend to prefer activities in which they handle well, which we popularly know as a comfort zone, and avoid participating in those that do not control or dominate for fear of not "doing well."
They are very permeable to opinion of others (especially that of the attachment figures) and are usually very aware of the assessment made (explicit or not). In the background the belief "If I do it well, they will love me" is active (and therefore "if I do it wrong ...").
They crush excessively with mistakes and they value themselves and reinforce very little in the achievements, which in fact tend to belittle.
As for the character, they are usually introverted children, although they do not reject social relations.
Do parents have something to do?
While it is true that many factors come into play (this is not due to a single cause), as can be the child's personalityThe truth is that certain messages that we send parents, and some of our behaviors, can have an impact on the child.
Excessive or exaggerated compliments such as "You are the best", "You are the smartest", which a priori may seem positive, can become a pressure message for the child by placing the bar really high. "This is how I should be."
Likewise, the direct messages and the expectations that we project on them, such as academic, sports performance, etc. they can also become a double-edged sword and end up being pure demand ... and finally self demand of the child.
On the other hand our conduct, which is always a source of learning for children, can also be transmitting negative messages without realizing about failure or mistakes. Do we scourge in front of the child when we are wrong? Do we reproach each other for failures?
Reflecting on our comments and behaviors can be very positive for everyone.
What can we do at home?
Let's strengthen the effort instead of the achievement. Let's divide the task into parts and reinforce each of those parts, instead of doing it over the total or over the objective. If you are making the bed, for example, we can tell you how well you have placed the countertop sheet, and that "if you can explain how you have done so well." In this way the reinforcement will slide over the total, which is much more difficult to achieve.
Redefine the concept of Error. Let's teach him that making mistakes is not negative, on the contrary, science without going any further and many of the greatest inventors have made great progress after having made thousands of mistakes before. We are all wrong, everyone, and nothing happens: mistakes are learning opportunities.
Model Beam As I said before parents, and our behavior, are a total source of learning for children, so let's take advantage of it. When we make mistakes in front of them, let's elaborate the situation so that the failure is not something negative, let's downplay it, let's discuss what alternatives we have, what advantages that error has had. For example: if we go with the little one in the car and we have passed a street, instead of crushing ourselves we can say: “Well, look, I have passed, but we are more time together in the car, and nothing happens for two minutes plus. Do we sing a song?
Moment of confessions. Something that works very well is to get the family together for a little while from time to time, once a week, for example (informally, you don't have to do an event like this) to tell, with a lot of humor, “our wives of the last days". In this way we work many of the aspects that I have commented before: being a model, understanding that the error is not always negative, etc. In addition, by using humor we are taking a lot of iron away from it.
And as I always point out, if we have doubts or if we believe that our child is having a bad time, it is best to go to a trusted professional who gives us concrete and adapted guidelines to address the issue.
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